Dear Miss Dinna —
I am a 39 year old woman about to turn 40. I am successful and love the freedom of being childless and able to travel etc. whenever I want. However, I am aware that my clock is ticking and I have zero prospects for a mate. I do really want to have a child. In my fantasy I would magically fall in love and find someone awesome to have a child with in about a year or two. However, my menstrual cycle has gotten all wacky and I'm afraid I'm starting to enter into pre-menopause. Before you go there — I'm not into the idea of freezing my eggs.
I have some friends that are mate and childless that are younger then me. I had this wild idea that maybe if I pass my natural time to be able to have a child, that I would partner up with another girlfriend when she reaches critical age, and ask my brother for sperm. Then we would all raise this child as our own. Does that sound insane?! Also, FYI, at this time, his fiancé is super not fond of this idea.
I am not sure what to do. Every month that my menstruation gets weirder and weirder is another reminder that I am running out of time. I've done full blood tests and I seem to be ovulating but my progesterone is beginning to decline some — thus creating for later periods. I just don't want to regret anything and yet I want things to happen as they are meant to happen. Help!
Time is a Tickin'
Dear Time is a Tickin' —
The holding on and panic and tightness that occurs when someone is fearful of regret is the complete opposite of letting go and breathing into the unknown, yet believing that all is and will be exactly as it should be.
I can see your conflict here. I can see that you want a bit more time for freedom, yet taking that time might be exactly what will create for regret in the future. It does seem like freezing your eggs would be the most logical answer — yet the "unnaturalness" of that gesture does as well oppose the desire to just believe that all will be as it should be.
Here's the good news: there are various treatments that are simply outside of my scope of practice to detail .but I can mention ..that have definitely proven to help with fertility for women who are having a difficult time conceiving and/or are entering into the menopause years. I would check out acupuncture, herbs such as Vitex extract, sites such as natural-fertility-info.com, readings by Dr. Lee and especially the use of natural progesterone cream etc. Hey, stranger things have happened regarding pregnancy, and much older women well into their 40s who have their last menstruation of their life, have sometime become pregnant as well.
If you are really serious, this appears to be the logical order of events:
- 1) freeze your eggs and maybe never use them but at least you have the option
- 2) party and travel like a rock star for another year
- 3) In about a year, get crazy healthy, no smoking, no caffeine and start on acupuncture and progesterone cream and reading Dr. Lee etc etc
- 4) 6 months in (18 mos from now) you have no prospect of a mate still — think about a sperm donor and try to get pregnant with out using the eggs
- 5) OR wait some more and keep trying naturally, and then if there is a cut off age for you in terms of getting pregnant, or you're just plain tired of globe trotting etc ..think about cashing in those frozen eggs
- 6) OR wait and if time passes and you just start to feel plain silly about carrying a child — open yourself up to those girl friends of yours that might want to co-parent with you platonically. At this point, it's years later and we have no idea .assuming your brother is in, maybe his fiancé/wife will have a change of heart. Again, stranger things have happened, and in this day and age, we really have no template. The world is ours to create.
I hope this helps organize your thoughts Time is a Tickn'. I wish you the best of luck in all of your endeavors — especially the ones that are meant to be!
Miss Dinna will be featured 3/12/15 for ArteRotica, filmed live for Penthouse's new series "Undercover" at DL (95 Delancey) rooftop 7-11 p.m. FREE!