My birthday is coming up! A slight panic takes control of me. The question is not, "What should I do this year?" but "Should I do something this year?"
I always say that I don't like to celebrate my birthday and I don't really care that much. But if no one congratulates me on the day off this momentous affair, I feel a bit sad. What is that all about?
I used to celebrate my birthday in the past, when I was a student living in Groningen, The Netherlands. Inviting all my friends to my home, a small room in the attic of a house I shared with other students. Some 40 - 50 people came out, creating the equivalent of an NYFD fire violation, leaving me with 2 days worth of cleanup.
But that was in the past. Nowadays, I do not plan for my birthday and I end up with the birthday blues. So how to explain this contradiction? I have a couple of explanations and do not really know which one applies -- perhaps all do. I think they are are all related anyways.
I am afraid that no-one will show up. This is an easy one. Everyone that organizes something has this fear. Is this fear realistic? It does happen that people organize stuff and no-one shows up, right? But should that be the reason not to do something. I don't think so.
I don't have enough friends to throw a party. It's true, I do not have a whole lot of people in New York, that I would call close friends. This is also because I never invested real time in making friends. I always thought I would be here temporarily, so why bother. But I'm here for almost 10 years now, so time to dedicate some serious time to friends. Also, you don't need 40 - 50 people to throw a party. Just a couple of friends will do, unless you plan to throw a ticker parade.
I am not interesting or important enough. Hmmm, this is a tough one. I sometimes have that feeling, that it's not really understood what I have to share or that it is not interesting or relevant. This is probably all in my head, but I'm not sure. It's kind of a dilemma, because if in fact I am not interesting enough, no one would really care to let me know. So I will never find out. I should not fret too much about it.
I am simply too lazy to organize something. Definitely some truth in this. I feel, that in my work, I am already far too busy to organize things, so in my free time I want to stay away from that. I just take the events of the day as they come or follow the lead of others that do come up with fun things to do. On the the hand, this might also be a facade and what really keeps me lazy is the fear of failing to organize a successful event.
I don't like to be the center of attention. I am kind of a quiet person and do not always have much to say, especially in groups. I am not one of those people that just entertains a whole bunch of people at once by telling a great and funny story. I'm better one-on-one. But I also know that I need to appreciate myself and accepting acknowledgement by others is part of that. Perhaps it is not so bad to be the center of attention for once.
I don't care after all. Perhaps I do not care about celebrating the birthday itself per se, but is it more a moment in the year of reflection and realizing where you stand in life. If on that day you are by yourself, it easily becomes a pity party (for evidence see previous explanations).
And that's perhaps what's really going on. Birthdays, or better put, the absence of celebrating birthdays, have the risk of being the culmination of everything that you are unhappy about in life. You realize on your name day, the shortcomings that are in the way of reaching your full potential. If I only was a bit more of this or if only I did a bit more of that, I would be awesome and successful.
How to solve this? Just celebrate your birthday! You are already everything you want to be and that is reason enough for celebrating your life.
You deserve to be the center of attention for at least one day in the year. Let everyone cater to your needs, get showered in presents, demand attention, because you deserve it!
Yako
