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Drowning in Deception by Dinna Alexanyan, MFT

Dear Miss Dinna — I recently got out of a relationship with someone who lied throughout I will spare you the details.

Dear Miss Dinna —

I recently got out of a relationship with someone who lied throughout… I will spare you the details. I've started seeing this new guy and although we are not committed, I told him about my recent past experience and asked him to please be extremely forthright and truthful with me.

Not too long ago, I got an intuitive feeling that he was not telling me the truth, I called him out on it, and he admitted it to me. I emphasized AGAIN that forthright truthfulness is very important to me and if it happens again, I will not even be able to remain friends with him. He seemed to understand. Two nights ago we were in the phone, and I swear I heard a click like he had another line… but instead of just excusing himself and taking the call, he abruptly interrupted me, noted the late time and said he had to go to sleep. It was just all very odd.

Am I being paranoid?   I feel like I cannot tolerate even little white lies… I just have zero tolerance for anything to do with lying.  AND as much as I question my intuition, I am ALWAYS right. Last night, I sat with a group of girl-friends and all of them were randomly speaking about being lied to by men… stupid, unnecessary lies. Then I went inside and overheard some other women speaking about the same thing! What is the deal?!?!?! Are all men liars?!?!?! I feel like I can't trust anything to be the truth anymore.

Please help!


Drowning in Deception

Dear Drowning in Deception —

My first thought is that appears that you are still reeling from the lies that were told to you from your previous relationship. It takes time to heal from any break up, but especially if you are dealing with profound deception. It does make you question reality, your intuition, and can lead you to become extremely hyper vigilant to not being "duped" again.

It becomes a battle of the ego….not to feel "stupid", as if someone got over on you. However, the reality is that your intuition usually is correct, and that there is a fine balance between being in sync with your intuition and being overly alert to anything that reminds you of your past trauma (that of being deceived).

men lying

My suggestion is that you step away from relationships for a bit of time. Things appear a bit too raw for you right now and it is clouding your ability to judge situations correctly, as well as even enjoy your time with a special someone. In addition, sometimes when we don't give ourselves the proper time to breathe and heal over a trauma, we tend to attract and recreate that trauma in our next relationship (as a strange way of processing it). That might be what is happening with this new guy.

I don't believe that men (or women) usually lie to wreak havoc per say. It is usually because they have a perception that the truth 1) will hurt the other person 2)will drive that other person away.   Selfishly, we want the best of all worlds.

The best you can do at this time is to take time…..take time for yourself, to heal your heart and mind, and to clear you spirit. When you don't feel as hyper vigilant to seek out the lies is when you will know you are more ready to meet someone new. Hopefully, that new person will be someone where transparency and clear communication is the foundation, and you won't even feel inclined to search for any deception. And then you can relax into the comfort of your partner's arms and ENJOY the relationship.

Best of Luck,

Miss Dinna

Ask Miss Dinna a question — any question—  regarding relationships, sex and sexuality by emailing her at:, Subject: "Ask Miss Dinna." She may answer your question personally or in a future column (your name will be kept anonymous). 


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