Pretty much since the early aughts, which is Internet speak for the decade that started right after Y2K, early February has ushered in a most heinous situation. I'm not talking about the Black History Month commercials from McDonald's that make Tyler Perry movies look like Marcus Garvey propaganda films or the realization that this will be yet another winter that your sunless, off-colored shell will not see a beach.
I could only wish that was as bad as it got because the simple solutions would be to not watch BET in February or to book a cheap flight to Miami. But alas, I'm speaking of something far more troublesome, because I'm talking about... the insidious SAS.
It's not classified as an actual disease or health condition, so you might not have heard about it, but you or someone that's close to you could suddenly be inflicted with it this weekend. Perhaps Big Pharma has some medication in the pipeline, that on top of relieving your SAS symptoms, will likely turn your anus into a leaky spigot and cause temporary paralysis of your ocular muscles.
Yet as frightening as it all sounds, there's no need for prescription meds if you just face this thing head on and come to grips with SAS.............Sunday After Superbowl.
The National Football League is the strongest unifying force in America. Stronger than rap music, reality television and rampant consumerism, combined. As an example, during the down week between conference championships and the big game, I got rolled up on by a small posse of Jehovah Witnesses, who I imagined to be very cold, but still hell bent on evangelizing the word of the good Lord. I acknowledged their approach but since I was waiting to be picked up from a train station pretty deep in NJ, my escape options were limited.
The initial interaction of bobbing and weaving, where they would throw a biblical jab and I would counter with my secular thoughts, turned into a ten minute back and forth about God, sin and suffering that eventually turned into high-fives and group pics on their smart phones.
Although I don't know know why she hasn't emailed me those flicks yet, I do know that it was the NFL that put us on the same page and became our common denominator and more specifically, in that scenario, Richard Sherman and how awesome of an athlete and scholar he is.
Nothing brings man, chick and child together like a group of really big, fast and strong dudes trying to advance a ball, while throwing their bodies around like borrowed property in pursuit of scoring points. Every Sunday during the football season, many people have a clear idea of what they'll be doing from the late morning to the late evening and if you have pay television for Sunday Night Football, that could extend right up 'til the nightly news or straight to sleep if you've been banging back beer and liquor shots since the kickoff of the early game.
In fact, Sunday Night Football bests the mighty TV behemoth, The Big Bang Theory, for the coveted 18-49 year old viewer and although I've never actually met a Nielsen viewer, apparently, lots of them are watching football. Maybe you do it at your house or at your friends house.
Perhaps you normally drop into your neighborhood bar, never to be heard from for several hours. Maybe you're a devout patron of a "team" bar that has a sturdy following of the Browns, Bears or Broncos. Either way, everybody loves watching their favorite sport, which has obviously replaced Baseball as the national pastime.
NFL Football features heroes, villains, thrilling play, violence, athleticism, storylines, showboating, gloating, millionaires, billionaires, fanatics, gambling, cheerleaders and now, two teams from states that legalized marijuana and who just happened to play in the Superbowl last week. Only in the NFL would that even happen!
But this weekend is the Sunday After Superbowl, the inaugural NFL No Mas weekend. It's going to be difficult. Not like, go to a twelve step program difficult, but like, you can't just drink all that beer without a reason difficult. So in an effort to stave off the inevitable withdrawal pain, I thought it might be a good idea to throw out a few things to do this weekend to take your mind off things.
CRASH A FASHION WEEK RUNWAY SHOW
Outside of the gridiron, a fashion show during Mercedes Benz Fashion Week is about as full contact a sport that you can get in New York City at the moment and fortunately for Brooklynites, Alexander Wang, virtually the Superbowl of fashion shows, will be held at Duggal Greenhouse in the Brooklyn Navy Yard.
Pick out a funky sounding name, perhaps brush up on a foreign accent and work on the indignation you'll have to feign when your fake name is not on the guest list. Perhaps you should pose as a really important fashion writer from a far off land, which lends credence to the possibility that the PR outfit that's working the door may have goofed up and not properly researched the Icelandic fashion blog scene.
I would avoid using New Zealand as your country because they might blame you for Lorde's entire fashion situation from the Grammys last month.
If you were planning to impersonate a real person to crash the Alexander Wang show this weekend, then unfortunately, your rouge just got a lot more difficult, since many rope holders will utilize the Zface add-on for Zkipster this season, which is a guest-list management solution. The Zkipster application via the Zface add-on, places faces with names on the guest-list, so all you tall and stunning, chocolate beauties might wanna think twice about saying you're Lupita Nyong'o... especially if your lo-fro ain't in full effect.
HAVE A DENTAL PROCEDURE WITHOUT ANESTHETIC
We know that's how your favorite NFL player would do it and don't you wanna be like your favorite football player? You don't think Marshawn Lynch would go completely beast mode in the dentist's office and get that work done like a tough guy? If you're a Bronco's fan then you're completely exempt from this because you went through enough pain last Sunday.
Besides, if your Obamacare hasn't kicked in yet and it's a real emergency, you'll be paying for it out of pocket and it's additional money to get a shot to take away the pain, let alone some gas if you're scarred of needles.
It wasn't that long ago when my dentist was in the Williamsburg Savings Bank Building at One Hanson Place, when Barclay Center was merely a thought in Mr. Ratner's head. I was paying out of pocket with a lapsed dental and only my supplemental dental was still in place, so yes, I actually tried a procedure without Novocaine; but I very quickly realized my pain threshold.
Back then the building had an old, kinda creepy and eerie feel, so it felt a bit dentally macabre. You'll be hard pressed to find a building like that now, though rest assured, if a dentist is digging into your mouth with a drill and no pain killer, you will not be thinking about football, foosball or futbal.
FIND ANOTHER SPORT
This year, after a historically lopsided game, many fans were left feeling unfulfilled after the Superbowl; well, at least everybody besides fans of the Superbowl champions Seattle Seahawks, and to that end, many folks are clamoring for more dosages of competitive sports.
This years SAS has dovetailed quite nicely with the start of the winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia, though I doubt that Pierre de Coubertin, founder of the modern Olympic Games would be proud of the debacle the 2014 games are turning out to be before they even start.
Apparently, the infrastructure of the Olympic city was slapped together by a band of roving monkeys using hockey sticks and wheat paste and the hotels are warning guests about going fishing in their toilet bowls. One of the two previous statements isn't true, but sadly, one is all truth and it's not monkey business
Perhaps the Winter Olympics isn't the best distraction on the SAS. Figure skating, Luge, Bobsleaghing and especially Curling are classic anti-Football sports for sure, but there's no hitting, nobody taking advantage of all the speed that is being generated.
In fact, the only Winter Olympic sports I find even mildly interesting is Alpine Skiing, Ski Jumping and Snowboarding, but if Skeleton floats your sports boat, then tune in and tune out your thoughts of a kick return for a touchdown or a Pick-6 or somebody dunking over the goalpost after a TD catch! If all else fails, then bite the bullet and attend...
REGIONAL YOGA ASANA CHAMPIONSHIP
I admittedly have never taken a Yoga class and although I do have a storyline in my novel that involves taking a yoga class, the writing was informed from internet research and putting my Yoga friends through lots of questioning.
As it is with most people, when I think of a spectator sport, I never think of Yoga, but that just makes it even more amazing as a really cool thing to get a fan through the Sunday After Superbowl. If its not gonna be a contact sport, slow it down and body strength it out! The words between the quotes are taken directly from the Yoga Asana Championship website (Click For Yoga Championship):
"Hatha yoga is physical yoga in which an individual performs asanas (postures). A yoga asana championship is a competition in which individuals perform a series of yoga asanas and, using standardized judging criteria, are given scores to determine who amongst the participants is the champion."
How awesome is that? It's frickin' competitive yoga that's judged like gymnastics and it's actually happening on Sunday afternoon!
It's a great way to start your NFL Offseason but I'm not well versed on the culture of a Yoga competition, so If you wanna do any tailgating or play beer pong or quarters or just get real drunk super early and start making out in public, this might not be the place...
Besides, St. Patty's Day will be here before you know it.