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Are You the BEST Lover You Can Be?

How you view your body, how you see yourself and how you treat yourself will dictate what you receive back.

We are all looking for that special someone who “completes” us. Let’s look at your odds in King’s County of finding, bedding and then wedding your prince or princess. In King's County, the ladies outnumber the men at 53%, yet roughly 40% of women never marry. This may be connected to reports of a larger number of lovely lesbians than other boroughs.

However, they actually add to the overall statistic for successful coupling in that less gay marriages end in divorce. When you do find that person, are you truly able to offer your all in the bedroom? 

My goal is to help people have more satisfying intimacy with a partner or partners but foremost with themselves. In my experience good sex and healthy relationships start with you. The most important aspect is the relationship with yourself: How you view your body, how you see yourself and how you treat yourself will dictate what you receive back.

. Photo: Shutterstock

It is said that most marriages end in year 1 or 7, with the average age of residents in Brooklyn being 36, which means most uncoupling occurs in our 40s. This is also the stage in life when we as individuals are redefining who we are and what is important in life.

This makes it the perfect time to liberate your sexuality and fall back in love or lust to sustain your marriage. If you are single at this point do not give up hope, reinvest in loving yourself. You are not required to be paired in this life. I rather enjoy having a variety of lovers and play dates at this stage of my life.

When I meet someone who claims they don't masturbate, which I don't believe in most cases, my knee-jerk response is if you don't want to f*** yourself why would anyone else. Or better yet, how do you teach someone what gives you pleasure if you don't know firsthand?

When I say you need to love yourself first, I speak of the whole person. You don't have to be a supermodel or bodybuilder to feel good about what you see in the mirror or to love exploring and sharing your body. I suggest before you go out to search for Mr. Right or Ms. Right Now you stand naked in front of a full-length mirror and truly look at yourself. Take in all the dips, curves, freckles, dimples and every inch of the whole amazing being you are and find three qualities you like about your body. 

After this is done you should feel a renewed sense of confidence and carry yourself with pride stemming from an act of self-love. Now you're ready to strut with pride to the club or the bedroom to engage with someone.

Everyone should be engaging in this kind of self-love and masturbating regularly. This goes for my fellow ladies too, you will find you feel less anxiety and definitely less desperation after you have had a good release. 

This is another aspect of self-love that gets rushed and taken for granted. Take your time with yourself. If you're single, give yourself the kind of pleasure you want from a partner. If you are in a relationship, take the time to learn what really pleases you then share that with your significant other. Touch everywhere, explore and absorb each pleasure-giving place on your body with all of your senses. Romance yourself or if that's not what excites you take the time to find out what does.

For research, several years ago, I briefly worked as a webcam model i.e. adult entertainer. It provided a voyeuristic peek behind the curtain of the average male's sexual psyche. 

There were several requests that completely derailed my sensibilities but most were simply unusual and even a little comical. I realized that our fantasy lives are diverse yet specific to our own experiences and what we hold back in relationships for fear of rejection or ridicule has mostly been exaggerated in our own minds.

If you are a podiatrist who finds pleasure in rubbing your engorged member against the soles of your partner's feet, you are not a miscreant. This is where I suggest you own it and trust that your partner will accept and quite possibly enjoy your fixation.

If you are with a new partner and getting to know one another there will come an appropriate time to share your particular brand of kink. Do not share this on a first date over dinner but when the discussion turns to likes and dislikes in the bedroom do not let the opportunity pass out of fear of rejection.

I cannot stress this point enough, be honest about what you want because if you are not you definitely won't get what you desire because you never asked. 


A few addendums to this point are, if your particular fetish involves pain, things normally done on the potty or other people, they should be discussed very early on. Do not drop an atom bomb like that in your partner's lap later in the relationship. Also, keep in mind that if you have met someone you hope to have a lasting relationship with, they should receive this information with an open mind. Otherwise you may not have found a real candidate for long-term success. 

If you are in a long-term relationship and hiding a closet full of desires from your partner I suggest you rekindle the adventure of intimacy by sharing a little at a time and encouraging your partner's exploration as well. In my experience hiding long-term sexual desires hurts your relationship.

This can create distance between you and your partner emotionally and intimately that will grow until it affects other aspects of the relationship. The need to fulfill these fantasies may lead a person to seek fulfillment outside of the relationship.

By not disclosing to your mate, you take away the opportunity to be accepted or rejected. The chance that it can be accepted and enjoyed together is more valuable than the risk of damaging your relationship with secrets.  You may find that your partner also has scenarios to play out with you too.

Let's take pegging as an example. It is a fetish that, when shared, can create new layers of trust, intimacy and closeness that very few other sexual acts can achieve. If this term is new to you let me explain, simply put, pegging is when a woman penetrates a man using an artificial member harnessed to her pelvis. 

This can greatly expand the amount of pleasure to the male prostate and other erogenous zones. It's considered taboo in that it challenges gender roles particularly for heterosexual males. However, it is a form of stimulation that reaches the most pleasure points in the male body and can create an orgasm like no other.

As a woman it is stimulating in its empowerment and erotic sensuality. It requires a lot of trust from the male perspective and confidence in his own sexuality. It entails planning, prepping, props and on the strength of the relationship to complete together. Physical responses and cues are exchanged to perfect the technique and learn what level of pressure,speed and tenacity is desired.

The exchange of all these factors creates a bond of pleasure, openness and devotion.

Whatever your relationship status, be good to yourself, be honest with your partners and strive to have a sex life that leaves you breathless!


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