Dear Miss Dinna,
I’m completely wrapped up in a man that is totally unavailable. I know typical! To make a long story short, I’m quite clear that he is in a stage where he wants to date numerous women. I am not. He gives me just enough attention to get caught up, and then does something to make it quite clear that I am not the only woman in his life. The last situation was a major kicker.
We had a pregnancy scare, he was communicating with me like he would actually be quite happy if I was pregnant and would shower me with love and affection, and then shortly after I found out I wasn’t, he suggested that I meet another woman he is dating “I like bringing cool people together” he said!
This is the thing, I feel like every time I give up on him, he pulls me back in. But then the moment I am pulled back in, he hands out a card that makes it clear he’s not just with me and has no intention to be just with me. I even feel, oddly enough, like I am in LOVE WITH HIM!!!!
How do I break this!
Push Pull Love
Dear Push Pull Love –
You’re right this is a very typical or common issue, but that fact does not make it any easier!
Very frequently we confuse stress with stimulus, anxiety with excitement, fear with love. The physiological response in our body can feel similar, and so we think if I feel like I am dying with out him, then I must be in love!
However, let me tell you what is really going on. Somehow or another, you have placed a measure of your worth in this man’s hands. What you are trying to really prove is that you are worth being loved by him. When he “chooses” someone else over you, it makes you feel that you may not be good enough or lovable enough. This is a huge and common trigger for all of us. We want to feel like we are special, that we are the chosen one. The “competition” just makes us hold on tighter and work harder. That, my friend, is not love.
Love is when we love who we are around the person. When they bring out the best in us. When we like our reflection in their eyes. NOT when we are jumping up and down begging for crumbs.
I encourage you, PPL, to close your eyes for a moment and imagine this man in your life, every moment, constantly, with no anxiety that he is going anywhere. How do you feel? Do you still want him?
Often, when the veil of fear and rejection is lifted, we are able to clearly see the person for who they are, and then….funny enough….we might not even like them that much. It allows us to see their flaws (in this case that he is simply in a developmental phase where he does not want to commit to anyone or anything) and soon we wonder what the hell we were even fighting for.
I encourage you to sit with the reality of who he is and see if this is really even someone you would want to be around at this phase in YOUR life. You might actually find that he is not as brilliant, as amazing, as wonderful as you think he is behind the emotions of rejection. You might even see some childish qualities in him that are not worth your time J
Passing through this time is like any addiction – you have to go cold turkey and allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions. The first couple of days is the hardest, but after about 3 weeks, the spell is usually broken. He will come begging back for your attention, and with clearer eyes, you can then make a decision.
Wishing you LOVE worth YOUR time,
Ask Miss Dinna a question — any question– regarding relationships, sex and sexuality by emailing her at: [email protected], Subject: “Ask Miss Dinna.” She may answer your question personally or in a future column (your name will be kept anonymous).
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