Dear Miss Dinna,
I am a woman in her mid 30s. I’ve dated primarily women for over 10 years now. Occasionally, when I’m not in a relationship, I sleep with men, generally once a year or so. I have always remained attracted to men, but choose not to have committed relationships with them. I have started a new relationship with a woman and I have a good idea that she is my life partner.
This is exciting! However, I’m not sure if I will totally give up my craving for dick every once in a while. It seems that the universe is making a ton of gorgeous men attracted to me lately!!! My lady is NOT going to be ok with me stepping out every once in a while. I’m not sure I could give dick up forever… a dildo and harness are not the same as a human man. I don’t want to cheat!!! Help me please!!
Dear Sickly Dickly –
Interestingly enough, although your problem might seem lesbian/bi-centric, taking a step back and in creating more of a general outlook, we can see that this is a bigger issue that can be applied to many couples who are entertaining the “life time” plunge. Case and point, it is not uncommon for heterosexual men, for instance, to feel intimidated by the idea that this may be THE LAST AND FINAL vagina they will ever interact with *shudder*. Or a gay man, to feel that HE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO TOUCH ANOTHER PENIS IN HIS LIFE!!!!!
Monogamy is monogamy, cheating is cheating, fear of life time commitments is fear of life time commitments, no matter how we slice it. The only thing a bit different in your case is that there is NO WAY your partner can provide you with this one thing. However, again, not that different as there is always something that our life time partners can in NO WAY provide for us.
The question then becomes: what are your non negotiables? Staying on the topic of sex primarily, for some it may be “I know I cannot be happy for a life time with someone who doesn’t go down on me” or in your case, it MAY be (and maybe not) “I know I cannot be happy for a life time with someone who can’t give me a “get some dick pass about 2-3 times a year.”
In worrying about a life time with someone, we sometimes forget, that we are talking about (as in your case) presumably about 40 yrs. 40 yrs SD!!!!! That’s a hell of a long time. We forget, when thinking about a life time, how much we change during those years and how much our dynamic with our partner might change. Maybe your partner, although it seems absurd now, might want to sleep with someone else or might want to add someone into the relationship or might even want to be part of (either voyeuristically or literally) your relations with a man….who knows. The point is you don’t know.
My guess is that your panic around this and your anticipation of desire for it and knowing you can’t have it right now, is actually increasing the thought of desire in your mind (eg “I neeeeeeeed this!!! What am going to do?!?!”). But in reality, maybe the need is not as great as you think, and maybe, if it does become that great, at that time, your partner might have changed with it.
All you can do at this time, is to acknowledge the desire, sit with yourself to ask if this is a non negotiable, and communicate the truth to your partner. Something as simple as “I know this about myself, and I want you to be aware that it is part of something I anticipate will become a strong need in the future. You don’t have to answer it now, but I would appreciate you being open to the discussion if it does come up.” And then SD, then, you have to honor her, if that may be her non negotiable as well.
Remember SD, things change, we change, our partners change, our needs change. We cannot predict the future, and NOBODY can give us everything we want… only WE can do that for OURSELVES.
Wishing you the ability to LOVE COMPLETELY AND ENJOY THE MOMENT!
Ask Miss Dinna a question — any question– regarding relationships, sex and sexuality by emailing her at: [email protected], Subject: “Ask Miss Dinna.” She may answer your question personally or in a future column (your name will be kept anonymous).