By Brooklyn Reader

April 25, 2014, 10:12 am

 

Dear Miss Dinna,

I have fallen head over heels for the most ideal woman I’ve ever met. I believe we’ve had a first sight experience perhaps even a meeting of souls. She’s beautiful (from the inside out), intelligent, patient, considerate, talented, witty, funny, and she possesses the PERFECT smile!

All of that was of course the good news. She is in a relationship as am I, both are serious with people we respect and care for deeply. We’ve managed to acknowledge how we feel about one another without cheating and I’m confident that we won’t violate the feelings of our significant others.

My question to you Miss Dinna is why? Why did we meet? What the hell was the lesson here? I’ve decided to not keep hope alive of seeing her again, but my heart is now heavy. Kinda feel cheated or like the universe needed a good laugh. How do I get over this? Thanks for listening Miss Dinna.
Sincerely,
Jane Doe
Melancholy, NY

lust vs love

Dear Melancholy –

Oh, the charm of fresh enchantment!

I am going to make some assumptions and I am hoping that they are correct for the sake of the accuracy of my response and hopeful assistance.

I am assuming that you and the Enchanter have been in your respective relationships for some time….some time meaning past the honeymoon phase (which can last from 2 days to 2 years).

I am also going to assume that you and the Enchanter have not spent more then a couple of hours total together…..a couple being not more then 36 hours in total together – one on one, no distractions.

I am also going to assume that there was once a time, in the beginning, that you may have been just as enchanted by the woman you are currently in a relationship with.

When we first meet someone and there is a powerful romantic connection, we enter into the honeymoon phase, or sometimes called symbiosis or enmeshment phase.   This is not dissimilar to the phase between mother and her newborn child. We are one and the same and everything feels magical and the reflection we see of ourselves in the eyes of our new love is magical!

As I stated, this can last from 2 days up to 2 years.   This is where I believe you and the Enchanter might exist, and once you existed here with your mate as well.

Following we enter into the differentiating phase, not dissimilar to the toddler who begins to separate from the mother, walk on their own, explore their territory on their own and begin to become their own person. This is when the laugh that you thought was SO CUTE, begins to annoy you and you realize that the person is not exactly just like YOU.

The goal here is to ask yourself if you can accept the differences or if they are non-negotiable for you. I believe that you may have passed this phase with your partner and assumingly decided that the differences were workable.

Following, you enter into the practicing phase, similar to when a child begins to go to school, the mother to work, you only cross paths in the evening before bed.   You are living lives that are parallel but not necessarily interdependent. I am thinking that this is where you might be with your mate at this time.

Sometimes the practicing phase can feel boring, under stimulating, disconnected, and although the respect and love is there – it leaves a space and a craving for the symbiosis phase again – where everything was new and beautiful.

So why you ask? What could be the lesson you ask? Take a step back Melancholy and remember that you don’t know everything and all about the Enchanter. Take heed as well that maybe you are simply missing the feeling and have projected it on the Enchanter. Maybe this is a warning call from your insides and your heart that you need to take a moment to try to remember your mate as she was when she was the Enchanter and you were equally as enchanted. I

f there is space for you to meet another Enchanter, then there is something missing.   If you are committed and love your partner and appreciate the history of the past and potential beauty of the future, then you have to make an effort to change things up and rediscover your mate….find the enchantment in her again, let her have an opportunity to lift the heaviness from your heart. A lesson it sounds like, if you respect and care for her deeply, she well deserves for you to learn.

Enchantee

Miss Dinna

Ask Miss Dinna a question — any question–  regarding relationships, sex and sexuality by emailing her at: [email protected], Subject: “Ask Miss Dinna.” She may answer your question personally or in a future column (your name will be kept anonymous). 


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