Dear Miss Dinna –
I’m going to just launch right into it and try to make this short. I am a 36-year-old woman who has two teen-age children. I am independent and do well for myself. Over the years, I have been dating a man who is adoring of me and gives me everything I want. However, his lack of drive and financial stability has always turned me off and I feel no chemistry with him.
Over the years, I have forced myself to have sex with him and have grown to feel that maybe I am just frigid. Recently, I broke things off with him and have been celibate for some months with no issues.
The other day, a young couple came over to shoot a film at my home. The man and I talked a bit and we decided to do an exchange for a massage (on my part) and he would paint me nude. When he came over to paint me, there was an unmistakable chemistry.
He explained that he and his girl-friend have an open relationship and that she is actually bi-sexual (inviting of other women into their relationship) and we ended up sleeping together. My whole body exploded and I couldn’t wait for the next moment to see him.
He came over the next evening and we made love all night. Two days later he came over and we made love for hours. That day, he had to rush off to pick up his girl-friend.
Suddenly, I am a total mess. I cannot stop thinking about this man… I’m even was so preoccupied and distressed that I walked straight into a glass door yesterday! I feel like I am going crazy!
I want to text him and take all his time, yet I feel so vulnerable and needy and out of control that I hold myself back. Today I texted him and he responded, but when I invited him over he said he had to spend the evening with his girlfriend.
I thought I just wanted this man as my lover, as I have missed that feeling in my body for so long. But now I am finding myself needy for all his time and the reality of his girl-friend (with whom I have no interest in being with) is settling in.
I can’t seem to just be in the moment and I literally feel like I am losing my mind. I want to run away and yet want to run only to him at any given moment. I can’t focus, I can’t get work done – I’m a mess. Please help!
You Put a Spell on Me
Dear You Put a Spell on Me –
Your signature is exactly accurate – it does feel like a spell has been put on you, doesn’t it?
To put it simply, it sounds like the initial sexual connection you had with this man released a part of you that has been suppressed for some time….and now it is rushing out like a flood gate.
Along side that flood, was probably a much needed (yet can be quite debilitating) huge release of oxytocin – which can make one feel very attached and almost in love. All of the above, coupled with the fact that this new man is not truly available to you (versus the previous years that you have spent being almost over attended to by your last boyfriend) is all attributing to this feeling of being out of control and overwhelmed with neediness.
This man has become a representation of something you have not had for a long time….like depriving yourself of chocolate, then diving in head first into a pool of chocolate fudge and then suddenly, when you come up for air, you sadly realize it is gone again. You simply forgot how amazing a sexual connection can feel, and now that you received a taste, you feel like you never want to let it go.
OK so let’s take a deep breath and take a step back for a moment. What do you want? Do you want a lover or do you want a relationship with a man that you also have great sexual chemistry with?
If you want a lover, and you are ready to accept that you will ALWAYS be second to his girl-friend, just like he will ALWAYS be second to your children (I hope), then you can do this. If you feel that the attachment is already too great and you know you are going to want more from this man then he can give you, then it is best you withdraw yourself as quickly as possible.
Hear me very clearly when I say to you that you will NEVER have a monogamous relationship with this man nor will you EVER be the only woman in his life. Read that again. And then read it again. How does that feel in your body and in your heart? My intuition tells me that you’d only be fooling yourself to think you can just be casual lovers with this man.
The “attachment”, even if an illusion confused with released chemicals, has already begun – and along side that the feeling of losing your mind, suffering etc. But then, maybe your bored, and you will choose this roller coaster over trusting that you can have both and deserve both (monogamy, mutual adoration, and great sexual chemistry)…..and if so, that is your path and the lessons will come clear on their own in any case. I think you know what to do.
I wish you the best, and if you choose to remain in this situation, I hope you at least allow yourself to REALLY enjoy it J
Ask Miss Dinna a question — any question– regarding relationships, sex and sexuality by emailing her at: [email protected], Subject: “Ask Miss Dinna.” She may answer your question personally or in a future column (your name will be kept anonymous).